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Site created 12/15/97.

page updated: 12/8/97

A Bit of Humor:
The Infamous Divx Press Release

Many of you have read this by now, but if you haven't yet, this should be good for a laugh. I posted this a couple of weeks ago around the Internet, and I've been flooded with constant e-mail since then. The funniest comment I've received so far (from a surprising number of people), is that they actually had to read 3/4ths of the way into it, to realize it was a joke! What can I say? If Divx weren't so irritating… it would be damn funny!

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS A JOKE

NEW DIVX FEATURES ANNOUNCED!

In a startling move that has rocked the consumer electronics industry yet again, Divx, the widely derided purveyor of pay-per-view DVD, today announced the decision to abandon their proprietary Triple DES encryption system. Export restrictions on encryption technology, along with the daunting complexity of the Divx system to consumers, factored heavily in the decision, according to Paul Brindze, Divx's often-under-fire President.

Instead, future Divx players will simply not function until activated by swiping your credit card in the Divx player remote's custom credit card reader. "This allows us an unparalleled opportunity to pick the pockets of consumers," said Richard Sharp, CEO of Divx and its parent Circuit City. "In addition, our new Divx model provides customers with the added convenience of never having to leave their seats in order to rent movies from their own video collection." Adds Brindze, "We think it provides excellent revenue coercion opportunities for the studios, and it's much simpler than our earlier Divx model. Our exhaustive market research efforts indicate that everyone knows how to use a remote control and a credit card."

Consumers with poor credit need not worry, either. Divx players will offer yet another convenience feature: a built-in coin slot and dollar changer. "We think this option is just terrific for consumers - really a public service," says Disney's Michael Eisner. "Everyone hates loose change, and this teaches our youngest consumers the value of saving their money." Eisner says that Disney will include in their Divx releases, special offers for piggy banks and couch change caddies featuring Mickey Mouse and the lovable gallery of Disney characters.

Divx has also planned another innovation for consumers. Responding to the outcry from environmentalists over its disposable video discs, Divx claims that its discs will now be edible, come in a variety of pleasing flavors, and will be fully biodegradable. Finished watching The Lion King? Your kids can eat it as a snack, or simply flush it down the toilet.

In related stories, Divx has confirmed negotiations with City Bank, to offer consumers special self-destructing Divx Silver and Gold Visas and Mastercards, for use with Divx players and movie discs. And according to insiders, Divx has also approached stuffed-toy manufacturer Ty, Inc., about the possibility of including Divx technology in its popular Beanie Babies product line. Under this plan, which is still shrouded in secrecy, Divx-enhanced Beanies would contain specially-designed PVC pellets, set to expand suddenly 48 hours after a child's first play, effectively bursting the lovable toy animal. Immediately prior to this, users would hear an audible warning message, offering them the opportunity to purchase additional play time by connecting the Beanie to Divx's central computer system via a tiny built-in modem port.

(Scary huh?) ;-)