           |
Site created 12/15/97.
review added: 2/22/01
Chesty Morgan on DVD
reviews by Todd Doogan of The Digital Bits
Has anyone out there accidentally seen one of their parents naked? I have. And let me tell you, that experience has the power to destroy a person. Watching Chesty Morgan in these two movies is a lot like that. Honestly, I can't believe there's a market for Deadly Weapons and Double Agent 73 on DVD. But, they are out on disc, and so I've thrown myself upon the sword (so to speak) to review them for you. And God, do I feel dirty because of it. Can someone please wash my eyes out with holy water? Please...? AAARRRGGGGHHHHHHHHH! (Editor's Note: Todd has passed out. Please enjoy a moment of silence while he collects himself and begins again. If you'd like, feel free to imagine elevator music to pass the time enjoyably). Okay, I'm back. What I'm about to review for you are two of the most horrifying films ever made. Image is really scraping the bottom of the "good taste" barrel with these two films. There's gotta be a serious bunch of sickos over at Image... and I love 'em for it. But seriously, if you like these flicks, you really need some help. These are some of the most god-awful images ever put to celluloid, and Chesty Morgan is a monster in more ways than one. Morgan was a Polish immigrant by way of Israel. When she got to America, she started dancing in burlesque shows. That eventually lead to her appearing in these two Doris Wishman produced and directed films. These two ladies didn't get along very well (due to Morgan's inability to arrive on set on time), and so the relationship was short lived. But the fruits of their labor (namely, these two films), are now on DVD for all of us to see. Witness Morgan in all of her wobbly glory! God help me. Okay... let's take a look at these films, one by one. Deadly Weapons Crystal: "I want to be your wife, not your mistress." Larry: "You're a successful advertising executive. Beautiful, loads of dough. I'm nothing but trouble baby. Nothing. But. Trouble." Crystal: "I love you, Larry." Is that not the worst piece of dialogue ever captured on film? Imagine an awful 70's kitchen setup (with disgustingly dirty coffee cups), a big girl in a horrid morning outfit (trying her damnedest to be sexy) and a plate of white powdered donuts (that look almost as shriveled as the girl's ass... which, by the way, we got to see when she gets into a bath a few minutes before this). God help us all. This is bad, bad, bad filmmaking. Oh, man it's bad. Did I say it was bad? Well, it's bad. This is worse than any porn I ever seen... and I've seen some bad porn. The only redemption this film could ever ask for, is that it's so bad as to be hysterically funny. It probably ranks in the top 10 best worst films I've ever laid my eyes on. Everything about it serves that distinction. Morgan plays the successful advertising executive, as if you hadn't already guessed. Success doesn't mean she has good taste, judging by the outfits she wears. When her boyfriend tries to pull a fast one over his friends in a "powerful" syndicate, he gets offed. Morgan is despondent for a few minutes, consoles with her father about it, and then decides to become a stripper to infiltrate the gang. Her mission is one of love - avenge the death of her boyfriend by smothering everyone with her gigantic, 73-inch bust line. Seems like an okay idea, right? When all is said and done, in a horrifying twist ending, she finds that revenge is a very expensive dish... and sometimes both family and personal health are the cost. Wishman, as a director, is about as talented as, say... that kid down the street with a video camera shooting flicks in his garage. I haven't seen anything but these two Morgan films from her, so maybe that's not exactly a fair statement. But judging from the film techniques shown here, I'm comfortable saying it. This movie is a mess... and so is Morgan. My God - there's one scene (actually in the above mentioned kitchen) when we get a close shot of her teeth... and they're black with decay. She's wearing a wig, that's covering up what looks like gray hair - at least that's what's poking out from underneath. Deadly Weapons is something that..., well, if I piqued your interest, go for it. But be warned - the only way you can have a good time watching it, is by laughing at yourself FOR watching it. The transfer on this DVD isn't the best I've seen from Image, but it's certainly okay for a Something Weird title. What the hell can you expect, really? The full frame image looks better than most people have seen this film looking previously. The sound is a stiff mono, but it serves the film fine. In fact, for what this movie is, I'd say that this is the perfect way to view it. Any faults you'll find just add to the experience. Image threw in a few bonuses - a spoonful of sugar if you will. These include trailers for both Morgan films, a gallery of Wishman ads and poster art, and an educational film on enlarging your breasts in the 1950's. Americana at it's best and brightest? Maybe not, but what the hell. Double Agent 73 Okay, I'm done with this stuff. Morgan is even worse here than she was in Deadly Weapons... as if that were possible. I'm almost mad about it. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, worth watching this disc for. In fact, if I said you need to see this movie just to see how friggin' bad it is, I'd be opening myself up to serious ass whuppin's. Don't be fooled! There is nothing sexy about Chesty Morgan. Oh, sure... she looks like she might be hot on the cover art, but let me testify to the fact that she is most certainly not. This movie has sworn me off of bad cinema for a while. I'm going mainstream from now on. Here's the story, if you care. Chesty is a private eye, who bitches out her boss for calling her away from vacationing at a nudist colony, where she's been sunning herself in pantyhose and a bra. Who does that? Her assignment: find a guy named Toplar, who's peddling bad heroin with the help of Communist Germans. Toplar has been heretofore unable to be identified, so Morgan's job is to photograph each member of his syndicate after she kills them. To be fully "spy" equipped, she will do this with a high tech camera implanted in her left breast, which she has to lug out each time she meets someone. Ugh! Through a series of gratuitous zooms, unnecessary close-ups of shoes, fricked-up continuity and horrid set design, Morgan uncovers the identity of Toplar... only to find that that the old adage is true: "He who has loved and lost is better than he who has loved and shot her lover in the face with a semi-automatic pistol." I think that's an adage. Isn't it? Everything I said about the DVD version of Deadly Weapons can be said here, except instead of a breast augmentation short, you have a virtually unwatchable newsreel on Tempest Storm (a famous burlesque performer) getting her boobs plastered. Whatever. The Something Weird/Image marriage has to be puttering out at this point. Double Agent 73 is bad filmmaking at its absolute worst. Ed Wood looks like Scorsese after watching it. View this film only if you want to kill a LOT of brain cells. Deadly Weapons IS worth watching just to see how bad it is. But Double Agent 73 is just going to piss you off. Okay... I'm done. I can't hang with this anymore. To you brave souls who just have to see these films, good luck with 'em. Hope your insurance is paid up! Todd Doogan todddoogan@thedigitalbits.com |
Deadly Weapons
Double Agent 73
 |
Site
designed for 800 x 600 resolution, using 16M colors and .gif 89a
animation. © 1997-2015 The Digital Bits, Inc., All Rights Reserved. billhunt@thedigitalbits.com |